Mr. Darcy's Passive Aggressive Mix Tape

Mr. Darcy's Passive Aggressive Mix Tape

Elizabeth,
 
I have made you this tape. I cannot tell you why. The reasons will be perfectly revealed in its playing. Or possibly not. This is up to you to decide.
 
There are songs on here. By artists. The titles have no consequence. And yet they mean more to me than anything else in this world. And again leave me quite unmoved. There are no hidden meanings here. Just a collection of ditties designed to proffer entertainment and to provide a hidden meaning. What it is, I cannot say. But it should quite obvious. If you truly care about me.
 
You are quite aware of my feelings towards you. You are a lively and fascinating creature. But then again, you are of low stock and questionable breeding. While I yearn for the two of us to be together for all eternity, I would also happily observe you being trampled by several oxen for the amusement of my monied friends. I really cannot make it any more explicit than this.
 
So there you have it. I may not have even included the tape in this letter. I have yet to decide. Or I may not even post it. The postbox is a considerable distance away and the servant I have to accommodate such things recently died from a head wound. 
 
Yours (perhaps),
 
Fitzwilliam Darcy.
 
SIDE ONE
 
When a Man Loves a Woman - Percy Sledge
No Woman No Cry - Bob Marley
Evil Woman - ELO
Devil Woman - Cliff Richard
Man I Feel Like a Woman - Shania Twain
I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos
I’d Rather Go Blind - Chicken Shack
The Very Thought Of You - Tony Bennett
Sick Again - Led Zeppelin
Thinkin’ About Your Body - Bobby McFerrin
Gravel Pit - Wu Tang Clan
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You? - Michael Bolton
Suicide is Painless (Theme From MASH) - Manic Street Preachers
Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You - Peabo Bryson
Too Drunk To Fuck - Dead Kennedys
 
SIDE TWO
 
Be My Baby - The Ronettes
Don’t You Want Me Baby? - The Human League
Baby Don’t Go - Cher
Baby Come Back - The Equals
Baby’s On Fire - Brian Eno
You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby - Bobby Darin
Baby Elephant Walk - Henry Mancini
I Want You - Elvis Costello
Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira
Dog Food - Iggy Pop
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack
Horses - Patti Smith
I Want Your Sex - George Michael
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
Is That All There Is? - Peggy Lee
Ring Of Fire - Johnny Cash
I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
Bite It You Scum - GG Allin
Let’s Be Friends - Elvis Presley
Rock Lobster - The B52s
 
Letters of Not by Dale Shaw is out this week from The Friday Project for £12.99.