I could tell it was the weekend when I woke up, because my dad had done his extra smelly Saturday morning poo then tried to cover it up with aftershave and the whole of the upstairs of my house completely stank of poo and aftershave.
I wrapped a pillow round my head and rolled out of bed then crawled along the floor to the stairs and slid down on my bum, doing a blow off on each bounce.
When I got to the bottom, my best friend Bunky was watching Future Ratboy on TV in the living room, which didn’t surprise me because he’s round my house more than his.
‘Argh, what’s that stink?’ he said, because I’d wafted my dad’s poo smell down the stairs with me, plus I’d been blowing off too.
‘You,’ I said, and I spun the chair he was sitting on, which is one of those ones you can twizzle round.
‘WAAAHHHHHH!!!’ screamed Bunky, his cereal flying off in every direction including my mouth. The cereal was in the shape of UFOs, so they looked pretty keel as they whizzed through the air and landed on my tongue, and I imagined the little aliens inside being crushed to death as I chomped.
Weirdly, the episode of Future Ratboy that was playing on TV had UFOs in it as well, plus I’d been dreaming I was zooming through space just before I was woken up by my dad’s poo, so I said, ‘Let’s play UFOs!’ and we ran up to my room, which still stank a bit, although that is pretty normal.
‘Alien attack!’ shouted Bunky, throwing a remote control car at my head.
‘OWWWW,’ I girl-screamed, and I picked it up by the aerial bit and started swinging it like a lasso. Because I was spinning round with it too, all I could see was the little car on the end of the wire, with all its doors flung open from how fast it was going, and everything else going past in a blur.
‘WATCH OUT!’ shouted Bunky as the car smashed into the jar that sits on my bedside table where I’ve been collecting all my toenails and bogies since I was about nought.
‘NOOOOO!!!’ I screamed as it cracked open and the sky in my room filled up with little toenail-shaped moons and bogie-coloured planets. ‘Look what you’ve done now!’ I shouted, and one of the bogies landed on my tongue and I ate it.
I still had the remote control car, so I faced it towards Bunky and drove it full speed at his ankle. Because the whole carpet was covered in toenails and bogies though, the car was skidding everywhere and it ended up going between his stupid legs.
‘Ha ha!’ he laughed, ‘I’m bored of this, I’m gonna watch some more Future Ratboy,’ and he turned round and started walking downstairs like he owned the place, which he doesn’t, I do.
‘Oh no you don’t, young man,’ I said, marching after him in my bare feet, using my toes like fingers to collect bogies and nail clippings from the carpet.
Bunky was already back in the twizzle seat watching Future Ratboy when I got downstairs. ‘Watch THIS!’ I shouted, scraping the bottom of my foot down his face.
‘ARRRGGGHHH, GET OFF ME!’ he screamed, grabbing my ankle and flipping me onto the carpet, which could have killed me, so I did a massive groan and pretended to die right there on the spot.
‘For crying out loud, what is going on in there?’ shouted my mum from the kitchen.
‘Barry’s bullying me!’ said Bunky.
‘Barry, stop bullying Bunky,’ shouted my dad.
‘Right, that’s it!’ I screamed, coming back to life and standing up. I glanced at the TV and saw Future Ratboy throwing a baddy through a window.
‘GET OUT!’ I shouted, dragging Bunky to the front door and pushing him into the road. ‘AND DON’T COME BACK.’
After that I watched the rest of Future Ratboy then got dressed and picked up all the bogies and fingernails off my bedroom carpet then went back downstairs to see what was happening.
What was happening was that my mum was watching a black-and-white film with a cup of tea and a biscuit and my dad was in the back garden carrying paving stones around with his tongue sticking out and his face all red.
I walked straight to the phone and dialled Bunky’s number, which I’m jealous of because it’s got better numbers than mine.
‘GO,’ said Bunky’s voice, which is how we both answer the phone because that’s how Future Ratboy does it.
‘GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW,’ I said, then hung up.
Luckily my dad had dropped a paving stone on his foot and my mum had rushed out to give him a cuddle and a cup of tea, so when Bunky arrived the TV was free for us to watch Future Ratboy.
‘Sandwich?’ I said, getting up and bumping past his chair so it twizzled him round to face the wall.
‘Ooh, yes please,’ said Bunky, so I made us both a sandwich, mine with cheese and pickle and his with toenails and bogies.
Barry Loser: I Am Not a Loser is out now, published by Jelly Pie.