I'm a Celebrity...Get Me a Book Deal!

Published November 17, 2009 by Admin Istrator

And so the ninth (the NINTH!) series of "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" began at the weekend, mere minutes after Jedward somehow survived for yet another week on "The X Factor".
Ninth series? REALLY!? Who on Earth are the eight previous winners of the show? I can only remember one, and even then I can only remember him as "that 'Eastenders' geezer". Scroll down to the foot of this blog to discover the identities of the other seven...
I imagine some publishers will be sitting down to watch series nine with a mug of Ovaltine in one hand and a chequebook in the other. But are any of this year's "celebs" (and I use the term "celeb" incredibly loosely), worth shelling out for?
KATIE PRICE
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The artist sometimes known as "Jordan" has "written" 33 books thus far, including four novels (combined sales of 925,000 copies); three memoirs (combined sales of 1.7 million); one fashion guide; and a lot of ponies/mermaids books for kids. 
 
Chances of a book deal: Evens (F). Is the sky blue? 
Advance: £750,000 for memoir number four or novel number five. £50,000 for any book involving a pony or mermaid.
SAM FOX
<img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Sam.jpg" alt="" /> 
 
According to sources, the ex-glamour model has already had a dabble in publishing. Who knew? Apparently, Making Music (Zomba) was released back in 1997—a story of her "rise to fame", which ran to 64 massive pages and included a "full-colour" poster. One suspects it was nothing more than an "accompanying" pamphlet for a VHS or something but, although someone is selling a copy for £4.99 on eBay, I am nowhere near interested enough to find out. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 4/1 
Advance: £250,000 for her memoir. £500,000 if she agrees to go topless in the centre pages. £750,000 if she agrees to go topless AND record new material for an accompanying CD. 
 
GINO D'ACAMPO
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The "celebrity" chef has released two cookbooks with Kyle Cathie to date. Fantastico! Modern Italian Food has sold 15,000 copies at UK bookshops, while Buonissimo! Italian Food Has Never Been So Sexy has sold 8,000 copies. His The i Diet is out in January and should do well if he does OK on "I'm a Celeb...". However, the book jacket only has a tiny picture of Gino's face on it. And I think having a big picture of his grinning mug on the cover is the only chance it has of selling. 
  
Chances of a book deal: 10/1. If Kyle Cathie aren't already working on a Gino D'Acampo's Barbequissimo: Italian food in the Australian Outback then they bloody-well should be. 
Advance: £10,000 plus 15% of sales after 10,000. 
 
COLIN MCALLISTER & JUSTIN RYAN
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Their Million Quid Property Experiment (BBC) sold 35,000 copies at UK bookshops. Not bad, but could do better—especially if a publisher (:::cough:::Michael Joseph:::cough:::) is willing to part with cash for their joint memoir, Colin & Justin: Bitch, bitch, bitch. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 12/1 for The World According to Colin & Justin. 
Advance: £100,000 each plus a lavish launch at G.A.Y. 
 
KIM WOODBURN
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How Clean is Your House (Michael Joseph), written with her partner-in-crime Aggie MacKenzie, has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK, and her memoir, Unbeaten (Hodder), has sold a respectable 85,000 copies to date. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 15/1 — a second memoir is all the rage these days. 
Advance: £50,000 plus 10% of sales after first 500,000. 
 
GEORGE HAMILTON
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He's already put pen to paper a couple of times. First for Life's Little Pleasures and then for last year's Don't Mind if I Do (Touchstone in the US and J R Books in the UK). Neither have exactly set the bestseller charts alight. That might change if he ends up doing something memorable in the outback. A fling with Katie Price should just about do it. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 25/1 
Advance: £200,000—conditional on fling with Katie Price. £20,000—conditional on fling with Kim Woodall. £500,000—conditional on a threesome with Colin and Justin. 
 
JIMMY WHITE
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The "whirlwind" has already penned his autobiography. 2008's Behind the White Ball (Arrow) has sold 46,000 copies to date. Not great, but he's a snooker player after all. I reckon 45,000 of those sales probably came at the Crucible alone. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 40/1 for a second memoir. 20/1 on an "updated" edition of his first. 
Advance: £50,000 for a second memoir, with a launch at the Crucible—organised and fronted by John Virgo and Dennis Taylor. If there's a spare invite to the launch going, I really, really, REALLY, don't want one. 
 
CAMILLA DALLERUP
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She featured heavily in the first two Strictly Come Dancing annuals (2008 edition—61,500 copies sold; 2009 edition—53,000 copies sold), but as yet a publisher has not knocked on Dallerup's door brandishing a big cheque.  
 
Chances of a book deal: 50/1 
Advance: £1,000 for Teach Yourself How to Survive in the Australian Outback (For Three Days). £100,000 for her memoir providing no less than half of it spills the beans on her many years with "love rat" Brendan Cole. £200,000 bonus if serialisation is taken by the Daily Mail. 
 
LUCY BENJAMIN
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She had some great storylines in her five years on the Square in "Eastenders". And she provided the tabloids with some great headlines off it. Martine McCutcheon has proved there's literary life upon leaving the Vic. Perhaps Benjamin could do the same? Probably not. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 75/1 
Advance: £50,000 for a novel titled either The Mistresses or The Mistress II
JOE BUGNER
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So far no deals for the man who once descibred Russell Crowe as a "gutless worm and a f**king girl"—an opinion that got him the boot from the set of boxing biopic "The Cinderella Man", where Bugner was supposed to be "expertly advising".
Chances of a book deal: 80/1 
Advance: £50,000 for his memoir. £14.50 for a guide on how to unsuccessfully run an Australian vineyard. £100,000 for both, providing that a week before their simultaneous publication, he comes out of retirement to face Evander Holyfield in a Las Vegas old folks' home. 
 
SABRINA WASHINGTON 
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Short of Mis-teeq reforming and enjoying Take That-sized success, one assumes publishers will be steering clear of Washington. However, her solo album is due soon, and those CD inlay-card/booklets do need a publisher... 
 
Chances of a book deal: 200/1 
Advance: £20,000 if she does a Liz McClarnon and writes a novel, providing she wins "Celebrity Masterchef" like the ex-Atomic Kitten did. Winning the frankly insane "Celebrity Scissorhands" is NOT enough, Sabrina. 
 
STUART MANNING 
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I'm sure he's appeared in a truck load of "Hollyoaks" calendars but have no proof of this (thank heavens). Short of a freak tornado hitting the "I'm a Celeb..." camp and a severely-injured Manning heroically saving the lives of everyone in there—which includes carrying Kim Woodall aloft on his back, with a Colin and a Justin under each arm—I reckon Manning's chances of landing a book deal are so miniscule that even the Large Hadron Collider couldn't detect it. 
 
Chances of a book deal: 1,000,000/1 
Advance: £3.50 plus a 2-for-1 voucher for Nando's (expires yesterday). 
 
***
 
Previous Winners of "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!":
2002: That guy who used to be a DJ and might still be, I don't really know.
2003: That ex-cricketer bloke who was on "Strictly..." this year and is on "Question of Sport".
2004: That girl who used to work for Iceland.
2004: The comedian with the really squeaky voice. 
 
2005: The woman with the famous mum who was booted off "The One Show" because of a comment she made about a tennis player.
2006: The kid who used to play in a band called "Busted".
2007: The camp Panto one.
2008: The geezer who used to be in "Eastenders" and who will probably return to Albert Square one day when the people from the bank suggest it might be a good idea if he wants to keep his house.

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