I'm a Celebrity...Get Me a Book Deal!
<p>And so the ninth (the NINTH!) series of <b>"I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!"</b> began at the weekend, mere minutes after <b>Jedward</b> somehow survived for yet another week on <b>"The X Factor"</b>.</p>
<p>Ninth series? REALLY!? Who on Earth are the eight previous winners of the show? I can only remember one, and even then I can only remember him as "that <b>'Eastenders'</b> geezer". <i>Scroll down to the foot of this blog to discover the identities of the other seven...</i></p>
<p>I imagine some publishers will be sitting down to watch series nine with a mug of Ovaltine in one hand and a chequebook in the other. But are any of this year's "celebs" (and I use the term "celeb" incredibly loosely), worth shelling out for?</p>
<p><b>KATIE PRICE</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Katie.jpg" alt="" /></p>
<p>The artist sometimes known as <b>"Jordan"</b> has "written" 33 books thus far, including four novels (combined sales of <b>925,000</b> copies); three memoirs (combined sales of <b>1.7 million</b>); one fashion guide; and a lot of ponies/mermaids books for kids. <br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span><i><b>:</b></i> <b>Evens</b> (F). Is the sky blue? <br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£750,000</b> for memoir number four or novel number five.<b> £50,000 </b>for any book involving a pony or mermaid.</p>
<p><b>SAM FOX</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Sam.jpg" alt="" /><br />
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According to sources, the ex-glamour model has already had a dabble in publishing. Who knew? Apparently, <b><i>Making Music </i></b>(Zomba) was released back in 1997—a story of her "rise to fame", which ran to 64 massive pages and included a "full-colour" poster. One suspects it was nothing more than an "accompanying" pamphlet for a VHS or something but, although someone is selling a copy for £4.99 on eBay, I am nowhere near interested enough to find out.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>4/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£250,000</b> for her memoir. <b>£500,000</b> if she agrees to go topless in the centre pages. <b>£750,000</b> if she agrees to go topless AND record new material for an accompanying CD.<br />
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<b>GINO D'ACAMPO</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Gino.jpg" alt="" /><br />
The "celebrity" chef has released two cookbooks with Kyle Cathie to date. <i><b>Fantastico! Modern Italian Food</b></i> has sold <b>15,000 copies</b> at UK bookshops, while <i><b>Buonissimo! Italian Food Has Never Been So Sexy</b></i> has sold <b>8,000 copies</b>. His <i><b>The i Diet </b></i>is out in January and should do well if he does OK on <b>"I'm a Celeb..."</b>. However, the book jacket only has a tiny picture of Gino's face on it. And I think having a big picture of his grinning mug on the cover is the only chance it has of selling.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>10/1</b>. If Kyle Cathie aren't already working on a Gino D'Acampo's <i><b>Barbequissimo: Italian food in the Australian Outback</b></i> then they bloody-well should be.<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£10,000</b> plus <b>15%</b> of sales after <b>10,000</b>.<br />
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<b>COLIN MCALLISTER & JUSTIN RYAN</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/Colin.jpg" /><img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/Justin.jpg" /><br />
Their <i><b>Million Quid Property Experiment </b></i>(BBC) sold <b>35,000</b> copies at UK bookshops. Not bad, but could do better—especially if a publisher (:::cough:::Michael Joseph:::cough:::) is willing to part with cash for their joint memoir, <i><b>Colin & Justin: Bitch, bitch, bitch</b></i>.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>12/1</b> for <i><b>The World According to Colin & Justin</b></i><b>.</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£100,000 each</b> plus a lavish launch at G.A.Y.<br />
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<b>KIM WOODBURN</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/Kim.jpg" /><br />
<i><b>How Clean is Your House </b></i>(Michael Joseph), written with her partner-in-crime Aggie MacKenzie, has sold more than <b>400,000 copies</b> in the UK, and her memoir, <i><b>Unbeaten</b></i> (Hodder), has sold a respectable <b>85,000 copies</b> to date. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>15/1</b> — a second memoir is all the rage these days.<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£50,000</b> plus <b>10% </b>of sales after first <b>500,000</b>.<br />
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<b>GEORGE HAMILTON</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/George.jpg" /><br />
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He's already put pen to paper a couple of times. First for <i><b>Life's Little Pleasures</b></i> and then for last year's <i><b>Don't Mind if I Do</b></i> (Touchstone in the US and J R Books in the UK). Neither have exactly set the bestseller charts alight. That might change if he ends up doing something memorable in the outback. A fling with Katie Price should just about do it.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>25/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£200,000</b>—conditional on fling with Katie Price.<b> £20,000</b>—conditional on fling with Kim Woodall.<b> £500,000</b>—conditional on a threesome with Colin and Justin.<br />
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<b>JIMMY WHITE</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/Jimmy.jpg" /><br />
The "whirlwind" has already penned his autobiography. 2008's <i><b>Behind the White Ball </b></i>(Arrow) has sold 46,000 copies to date. Not great, but he's a snooker player after all. I reckon 45,000 of those sales probably came at the Crucible alone.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>40/1</b> for a second memoir. <b>20/1</b> on an "updated" edition of his first.<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£50,000</b> for a second memoir, with a launch at the Crucible—organised and fronted by John Virgo and Dennis Taylor. If there's a spare invite to the launch going, I really, really, REALLY, don't want one. <br />
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<b>CAMILLA DALLERUP</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Camilla.jpg" alt="" /></p>
<p>She featured heavily in the first two <i><b>Strictly Come Dancing</b></i> annuals (2008 edition<span style="font-weight: bold;">—</span><b>61,500 copies</b> sold; 2009 edition—<b>53,000 copies</b> sold), but as yet a publisher has not knocked on Dallerup's door brandishing a big cheque. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>50/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£1,000</b> for <i><b>Teach Yourself How to Survive in the Australian Outback (For Three Days)</b></i>. <b>£100,000</b> for her memoir providing no less than half of it spills the beans on her many years with "love rat" Brendan Cole. <b>£200,000 bonus</b> if serialisation is taken by the <i><b>Daily Mail</b></i>.<br />
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<b>LUCY BENJAMIN</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Lucy.jpg" alt="" /><br />
She had some great storylines in her five years on the Square in "Eastenders". And she provided the tabloids with some great headlines off it. Martine McCutcheon has proved there's literary life upon leaving the Vic. Perhaps Benjamin could do the same? Probably not.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>75/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£50,000 </b>for a novel titled either <b>The Mistresses</b> or <b>The Mistress II</b></p>
<p><b>JOE BUGNER</b></p>
<p><img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/poll.jpg" alt="" /></p>
<p>So far no deals for the man who once descibred Russell Crowe as a "gutless worm and a f**king girl"—an opinion that got him the boot from the set of boxing biopic "The Cinderella Man", where Bugner was supposed to be "expertly advising".</p>
<p><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>80/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£50,000 </b>for his memoir. <b>£14.50</b> for a guide on how to unsuccessfully run an Australian vineyard. <b>£100,000</b> for both, providing that a week before their simultaneous publication, he comes out of retirement to face Evander Holyfield in a Las Vegas old folks' home.<br />
</p>
<p><b>SABRINA WASHINGTON</b><br />
<img width="162" height="91" src="/documents/UserContributed/Sabrina.jpg" alt="" /><br />
Short of <b>Mis-teeq </b>reforming and enjoying <b>Take That</b>-sized success, one assumes publishers will be steering clear of Washington. However, her solo album is due soon, and those CD inlay-card/booklets do need a publisher...<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>200/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£20,000</b> if she does a Liz McClarnon and writes a novel, providing she wins <b>"Celebrity Masterchef"</b> like the ex-Atomic Kitten did. Winning the frankly insane <b>"Celebrity Scissorhands"</b> is NOT enough, Sabrina.<br />
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<b>STUART MANNING</b><br />
<img width="162" height="91" alt="" src="/documents/UserContributed/Stuart.jpg" /><br />
I'm sure he's appeared in a truck load of <b>"Hollyoaks"</b> calendars but have no proof of this (thank heavens). Short of a freak tornado hitting the<b> "I'm a Celeb..."</b> camp and a severely-injured Manning heroically saving the lives of everyone in there—which includes carrying Kim Woodall aloft on his back, with a Colin and a Justin under each arm—I reckon Manning's chances of landing a book deal are so miniscule that even the Large Hadron Collider couldn't detect it.<br />
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<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Chances of a book deal</i></span>: <b>1,000,000/1</b><br />
<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><i>Advance</i></span>: <b>£3.50</b> plus a <b>2-for-1</b> voucher for <b>Nando's</b> <i>(expires yesterday)</i>. <br />
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***</p>
<p><br />
Previous Winners of <b>"I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!"</b>:</p>
<p><b>2002</b>: <i>That guy who used to be a DJ and might still be, I don't really know.</i></p>
<p><b>2003</b>: <i>That ex-cricketer bloke who was on <b>"Strictly..."</b> this year and is on<b> "Question of Sport"</b>.</i></p>
<p><b>2004</b>: <i>That girl who used to work for <b>Iceland</b>.</i></p>
<p><b>2004</b>:<i> The comedian with the really squeaky voice.</i><br />
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<b>2005</b>: <i>The woman with the famous mum who was booted off <b>"The One Show"</b> because of a comment she made about a tennis player.</i></p>
<p><b>2006</b>: <i>The kid who used to play in a band called<b> "Busted"</b>.</i></p>
<p><b>2007</b>: <i>The camp Panto one.</i></p>
<p><b>2008</b>:<i> The geezer who used to be in<b> "Eastenders"</b> and who will probably return to Albert Square one day when the people from the bank suggest it might be a good idea if he wants to keep his house.</i></p>